Que Sera, Sera

my ex-colleague told me recently that she is envious of the Wife & i spending so much time with BB. to that, i politely replied, 'you can also do this too, but your hubby loves you too much to want to risk dropping everything here and leaving'. she said that i'd put across my point very nicely and she'd not thought of it in such light before ( i hope she'd gone off and spent a great evening with her hubby that day).

to some degree i feel that there is more to simply inertia for ppl to stay/ even excel in where they. there are all the other big picture considerations like security that sometimes a family as a whole, cannot or would not to make a decision on.

for everything that would have been laid out to me so far then, life back then from the classroom to my small cubicle was pretty decent. i was lucky to not have met slavedrivers. i'd gotten used to the rigors of lesson planning, full day teaching, weekends of marking, irate parents who just want to be heard, irate kids who just want to be themselves, attending countless meetings, organising endless events, politicking, siam-ing, posturing, second guessing, regular lunch hours (only when i went to HQ) and all degrees of predictability that comes after every 'firefighting' exercise.

before i come across as being cynical, i'd like to set the record straight. i was certainly passionate about my subject area, and delivered more than what was expected. i had the humbling opportunity to work with decent folks who accepted their places in the System, giving folks who support you every step of the way, admirable leaders who truly are nurturing, had vision(s) and knew the ins-&-out of the Game & sadly also ****less folks who, well, are simply ****less...... i know that if i do not screw up and get a dose of blessing from Higher Ups during the secretive annual appraisals, 'lateral career advancement' (when u get it of cos is relative) was certainly in the deck.

but sometimes you hear a faint tiny voice between your eyes that goes 'what if'. or that you'd wake up 1 day realising that you do not want to play the game according to prescribed rules anymore. perhaps that you had once again felt an impending legit early-midlife existentialist crisis, one that silently yells out to you, asking what else do you want out of your mortal existence. indeed one day, a Huge Carrot came dangling from Higher Ups and i am only human to wanna taste 'the sweet future' hanging by the tips of my lips. but when the initial temptation subsided, i remembered that while i do not always know what i want in life (erm i still don't), i know for certain, at least for now, what i do not want....and i certainly no longer wanted to give myself another reason to lament.

there are moments that i'd feel it was a selfish reason on my part to want to leave a decent-paying job, afterall if i'd not left the Service, my family wouldn't have to watch every single cent that we spend now and i can well afford all the toys & niceties for BB. for that i apologise to them but i'm grateful that they're along in this adventure.

i am proud to say that i had faithfully served out my 8-yr bond and more......
looking back, i started out as a young arty-farty-wannabe who only wanted to emote his kids and left, humbled by the passion & strength of others who continue to walk the talk. i take a balanced view on the bond issue, my overseas studies shaped my worldview and in the past 8 yrs i'd helped shaped others (gawd i can't imagine how many kids grew up to not liking art, ever. or how many colleagues who siam me when i approach them to try out art projects on top of their piles & piles of work). i certainly knew that i wan't going to make truckloads of marnee. while it offers opportunities and security, my personal objectives and interests faded. call it a trade off. no free lunch, they say.

i'd recently came across a blog post of a fellow ex-garmen skolar.
i regret that i am not as proficient a writer and am unable to convey my shared sentiments in my 2-fingered typings eloquently. so here's the link should you be keen to have a read.

it's certainly scary to be off the leash, with no more directions to follow, no certainty of the next meal. but with no more excessive luggage to tug along, i think i'd like to roam free for a while.