Hard Reset

i did a hard reset in my life on monday.

it had literally been an agonising 4-5 days (on The Wife too...for having to put up with my verbalised thoughts) before i pulled the plug on on my grad place in melb uni on monday.
i dont expect anyone, other than The Wife, to understand what transpired, afterall i did get a place in the uni, attended 1st week of class, bought a couple of books and even very kiasully gotten the online readings and planned out my google calender for the next 6 mths with all the assignment deadlines. then a voice in my head (or the heart as some may put it) spoke real loud, culminating into sleepless nites and listless netsurfing.

the voice had asked what if i'd not really made another truly life altering decision since i decided to go to art school (ok, marrying The Wife n having BB also counted)? that my choices made in that past 8 -9 years had rather been like jumping from one fishtank to the adjacent tank, from 1 comfort zone to another...each a rational extension of previous professional experiences. it's rational cos for most, i believe, that's termed as career progression / upgrade. and the situation with the course looked pretty much as such. but hell, what do i even want to do with it after spending the next 2.5 yrs and some 50k AUD on it? is that a career path carved out by a large degree of convenience and familiarity? if i am questioning this on the eleventh hour, i reckoned something is not quite right.

so after the weekend, i returned every single thingy and got back every single cent. and i felt a sense of relief. it was particularly difficult to explain to my folks. perhaps the notion of leaving service, relocating to melbourne and now this withdrawal had made me look like some kamikaze pilot, with wife and bb in toll. i couldn't do a good job explaining it to my mom over skype and to hear what i had to say myself was definitely un-reassuring.

so here i am, a 33 yr old who'd leapt out from the tank and landed on the dry table. admittedly, i am terribly scared, anxious and flippy. all the years of habitual planning and contingencies simply went out of the window and i'm trying hard to breathe on unfamiliar grounds. perhaps it's normal to feel that way...just need to keep flipping and flipping...and then i'd learn to evolve.